For a long time, I’ve waivered back & forth on whether I think it’s a good idea to tell a woman or young child that she looks lovely, or that her haircut looks phenomenal.
As a woman, I always appreciate a complement like this. However, as a parent and human being, I don’t want to reinforce the idea that our value is found only in appearances. But by not acknowledging a little girl who is wearing her favorite Easter dress, or complementing a friend who’s taken an extra effort to look nice or lose weight, I feel like I’m ignoring something that makes them feel good. I certainly don’t think it’s wrong for a woman to take consideration to their appearance.
Have you guys ever had these questions? If so, what conclusions have you drawn?
11 comments:
I have a bad habit of assuming everyone is just like me. This is one of those cases. I love receiving compliments, so I always assume everyone else does too. I think I give comments quite freely and have never though about the repercussions of judgment.
Thinking about it now, I still think it is fine. In most cases you are complimenting friends, or those you know well. You obviously spend time with these people and like them for who they are, so, I think it is ok to tell them when they look great!
Whether or not it is the way it should be, I think women do derive alot of their self-confidence from their appearances. I also believe in loving peole the way they would like to be loved, not the way I think they should like to be loved (stolen from the "Love Languages" book). If complimenting a female's hair or outfit, etc., makes her glow, then I think you have given her a gift.
I agree with Karina. A little affirmation and encouragement goes a long way in building people up, and sometimes the only surface you can scratch is the top layer. Love on the top layer sinks deep to the bottom!
It's funny that you thought of this after having a boy b/c I thought the only resaon it has occured to me was b/c of Sophie being a girl. I worry about her self esteem all the time, although right now she has no lack of it!! :) I think it's important to build those around you up although I want to teach her not to become dependant on other's approval.
I do ask these questions a lot and agree that it is good to compliment each other. I do recommend though trying to find ways to compliment people by not complimenting something they have purchaced--clothes, accessories, etc. Which for me is a much harder task and like you said, I don't want to ignore a new haircut that compliments someone or an outfit that compliments. However, I do think it is very special to receive a compliment of "pretty smile", "contageous laugh", "stunning eyes" to name a few that does make you go a little farther than your immediate reaction of "nice dress." Again, I am not saying that I don't like a compliment when I try to look nice but maybe I wouldn't feel the need to look a certain way if someone complimented a personal feature that stands out to them.
HI Carrie! This is Mindy. Elizabeth's friend. I don't know if you remember me or not. If not go to Elizabeth's blog and click on Mindy and maybe you will remember meeting me.
ANYWAY, I panic a lot about complimenting someone on if they have lost weight. I actually make sure I don't. I always worry that if they are loosing weight because they are depressed or because they aren't eating and loosing it unhealthy they will think it is OK since someone said they look good. It is a big fear of mine so I just don't say anything hardly ever.
If I see someone often I don't notice a lot anyway. That is a great attribute to have if you would like to brag about your weight loss and that you are doing it healthily. You can brag to me since I don't notice and that way I will know!
Good question. I have a hard time with telling someone they look great after having lost weight as well. Only because I don't want them to think that I thought they looked bad beforehand! However I do think it is good to compliment. You never know how that person you compliment has been feeling about herself and that might be just what she needed that day. I know I feel good when complimented. I definitely think it can get out of hand though, especially with parents and their children. Kids today are WAY too confident and believe they are God's gift to the world. I saw it up close and personal after teaching 9th graders for four years.
I appreciate all your comments. I still am unsure! I have had all the thoughts you guys are having, but haven't settled on one opinion.
I agree, I don't like encouraging weight loss from someone who may be doing it unhealthily.
Also, I have read about a study that "good-looking" people struggle more w/self esteem as they age, because their worth is tied to hearing how beautiful/handsome they are. When they age, they don't hear the complements as much & their feeling of self-worth goes down the drain.
I hate to contribute to these problems.
Any more thoughts from anyone else, keep it coming!
I think, along with everything else in life, it should be balanced. With kids for example...I think the world is ruthless, and the place to build up is at home. But home is also a good place for humbling. I think either one of those can be overdone. So as long as they are done in balance, and with words chosen wisely, I think compliments can be great.
I have two thoughts on this. Both relate to having children...
One of the greatest things my mom ever said to us was, "You're the best kids in the whole world, but that doesn't make you better than anyone else."
Secondly, I try to verbalize (and encourage Chuck to as well) to our daughters that they are 'beautiful.' I know this seems to reinforce outward beauty, but here is my reasoning...I don't want them to be hopelessly wooed someday by some boy chattering on about their physical looks. All of us girls know how powerful it is when we're told we're beautiful. That's great, especially when it's your husband and you know he's referring to the beauty of your heart as well. Adolescence is awkward for everyone, though, and I just don't want the fact that someone finds them attractive to be a new and surprising feeling.
I really hope this makes sense and I don't sound like mommy dearest. :)
I have definitely battled with this question a lot...especially thinking about how I will be with my kids-daughters especially, one day. I do think that in this world appearance is number 1 and I don't want to reinforce that in my children or close friends-especially the ones I know have really struggled with their looks and/or self-worth b/c of it, but I do love to make people feel good and give out compliments as much as possible! I think we just have to have a good balance between compliments on someone's character and a persons gifts and talents, as well as a few compliments on appearance here and there:)Thanks for sharing! Good stuff to think about...
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